@J_Mainwaring69: *Judge raises hammer* "I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE" -*defendant chuckles* "I'm already alive you MORON!"
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@jwoodham: Quidditch is my kind of sport. You don't have to run, you get to sit the whole time, and if things aren't going well you can just fly home.
@Try2StopME: Interviewer: "So why should we hire you?" Me: "Cause I need a job very badly." Interviewer: "So?" Me: "And you have a vacancy. BINGO"
@jordan_stratton: Just once, I'd like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
@Bipartisanism: "Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza." - President Obama