*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
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i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
why am I working on Labor Day
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to