Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
You Might Also Like
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
was Jim off killing horses or…
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker