Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
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*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
My apartment is a mess, I should move
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.