JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
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a public service announcement
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.