JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
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uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.