Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
You Might Also Like
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly