When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
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My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Lol.
Childbirth is so beautiful
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titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.