Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
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barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.