Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
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People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Good point.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I’d use my best pan on you.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night