Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
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I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb