Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
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Good point.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
this isn’t threatening at all
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.