JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
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Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here