judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
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If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
A leaf blower, but for people.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge