judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
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If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat