JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*