JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
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You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
no one likes gloating
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
This is always good for a laugh.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
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Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught