*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
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If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”