Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
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Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Simple
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
sliding into dms like
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product