judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
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There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)