@SortaBad: Babies are like Starbucks because they're expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

@CouchPotShots: I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

@crunchenhancer: A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

@crunchenhancer: When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won't eat you. If that doesn't work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

@bellicosejason: My boss calls me chief, so I really don't know who's in charge anymore. I hope it's not me because I haven't been paying attention.