Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
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Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
March 16
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”