@ClaytonSykes: Judge: Your client says he's mentally fit to stand trial correct?Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat?
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@envydatropic: I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I'm not approachable or one of their kind
@TheCatWhisprer: My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
@pizza_dragon: Hi kids I'm Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you're a professional SWAT member on a bus that's about to blow up
@Goofpoops: Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you're not getting laid...it's because the women can't see you..