Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
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If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it