“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
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half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.