ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
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Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.