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HADDAWAY: shit
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In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.