@maughammom: Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I'd say I'm about 74% Rice Krispies.
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@CourtneyBale: To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
@underchilde: [lying naked in bed] Her: Tell me your fantasy. Me: Well, I get in my car to drive to work, and for the entire trip, there is no traffic.
@Brampersandon_: RANGER: Remember, don't feed the bears ME (being attacked by a grizzly): OH GOD HE'S RIPPING ME APART! RANGER: What did I just say!?
@david8hughes: [fancy restaurant] Me: do you have orange cat food? Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna