Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
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[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”