@maughammom: Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I'd say I'm about 74% Rice Krispies.
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@JB4Realz: SON: Daddy, where do tweets come from? DAD: Well, son...when a Desire for Validation and a Character Limit love each other very, very much.
@NicestHippo: People already feel judged in public but what if they also had the same awful feeling in private? GUY WHO INVENTED RELIGION: I have an idea
@QwertyJones3: [standing next to the boss at the urinal] Ok, don't act weird. "That's some impressive bladder volume, sir."
@TragicAllyHere: *wear too little makeup* People: you look tired *wear too much makeup* People: why are you trying so hard *start a fire* People: calm down