Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
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Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
And that about sums it up.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).