Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
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may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.