@jmhuntsinger: Judging by the quality of some of your tweets I can tell this isn't the first time you've failed in life.
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@whalesmells: me: so did it hurt? her: yes, a lot me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye? her: I SAID YES
@SodomyClown: If someone says "I will do anything for you" lean in really close and say "There's a body in my basement and I can't eat it all by myself."
@Sean_Burgundy_: People usually stop coming over to your house when you greet them with "Make yourself at home, BUT WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T OPEN THE FREEZER."
@ItsAndyRyan: Capt of Titanic: "Mayday! We are sinking" Coastguard: "What happened?" *Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle* Capt: "Iceberg"