4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
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Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.