@jmhuntsinger: Judging by the quality of some of your tweets I can tell this isn't the first time you've failed in life.
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@EyeSeeYou619: I do a spot-on impersonation of Linda Blair in The Exorcist whenever a drive-thru cashier asks me to pull ahead bc my order isn't ready.
@WheelTod: [Animal Shelter] Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.” Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?” Me: “Well, mostly I'll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So... a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
@Brianhopecomedy: How my 7 year old plays board games: Rolls a 6. Counts to 6. Moves his piece wherever he wants.
@NoticablyBacon: My sexual fantasy is that I'm a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can't pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free