@NotthatAdamWest: Judging by the size of her models, I'm guessing Victoria's Secret is lots and lots of cocaine.
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@IamEveryDayPpl: Boss: "Do you have a Twitter account?" Me: "Umm... Yo no hablo inglès." Boss: "Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?" Me: *fakes a seizure*
@_TayTayJustine: Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album. Don't be an enabler. Drop the phone.
@NewDadNotes: Man sees the first Cat Caveman: omg that sabertoothed tiger just mauled me. I'm gonna call him Mr. Bumblebottom and make him sleep with me