Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
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I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas