*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
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[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
not to brag, but mine was free
Ferrari squats
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Happy birthday to all the women
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Everything reminds me of my ex
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza