Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
You Might Also Like
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.