I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
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I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
*Seductively hides in the woods
Twitter fine art
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.