@JasonLastname: Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
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@MondayPajamas: My new phone has fingerprint recognition security technology and now I can't open my phone unless I'm eating fried chicken
@Bownuggets: Hate it when I can't find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
@TheQuietPsycho: Apparently just because your dad had a bunch of DUI's, the cops won't accept "tradition" as an excuse as to why you're driving drunk.