Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
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My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*