Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
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Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
That’s not how days work.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.