@DaddyJew: Judging by this line at Costco it doesn't look like I'll ever see my family again.
@NorCalBratt: "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."
Me, to my empty bag of Oreos.
@Gooooats: It turns out no one likes "the real me" and they have asked the priest to reverse my exorcism.
@jonnysun: INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
@lawblob: I don't need the government telling me how to raise my kids
@PostCultRev: DATING PROFILE: I'm looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor