@DaddyJew: Judging by this line at Costco it doesn't look like I'll ever see my family again.
@theshamingofjay: A soft drink is just a drink that needs a minute. Just give it a minute, this has never happened to it before.
@pleatedjeans: [Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
"dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
@Nahdude83: Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
@pakalupapito: i have two moods:
・sleep is for the weak
・sleeping for a week
@jimmytorosian: Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.