@DaddyJew: Judging by this line at Costco it doesn't look like I'll ever see my family again.
@lwhit_the_boss: My signature move at parties is flirting with a cute guy for half an hour before realizing he's actually a bag of Cheetos
@RocketRankoon: A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
@MarkAgee: I never believed in reincarnation before but... Dad?
@De_ja_vu_who: Deathbed confession
Me: We're bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
@kevinrowe1: This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn't listen to me.