@DaddyJew: Judging by this line at Costco it doesn't look like I'll ever see my family again.
@Ristolable: Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption "1st Easter!" Hell no, there have been like 2000, we're not starting over just for him
@blade_funner: DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
@david8hughes: "You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder."
"Look, I'm a lot of things--"
"Are you a murderer?"
[bites lower lip]
@ThePocketJustin: No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ's face I don't think he's going to play them. Here come the police they'll help me
@shwood: You make a compelling argument, Morty.