Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
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I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.