Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
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I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
This is why I hate group projects
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!