Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
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3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Wait a second…
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!