[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
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@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too