[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
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Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise