My birthstone is a marshmallow.
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Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Them: You should try keto
Me:
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly