@MableGertrude: Judging people on Twitter is equivalent to an alcoholic showing up to an AA meeting and making fun of all the other drunks.
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@BillPelicanBros: I've got a black eye, a $200 fine and I've been listed on a register...turns out taking candy from a baby wasn't so easy after all.
@MichaelTrying: As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
@effinghandbook: Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
@SarcasticAlly12: Dr: do you know why you gained weight? *Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele* Me: no, better run some tests