Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
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You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”