JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
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Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
The Others (2001)
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.