me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
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Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Miscakes
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Morning my dudes.
meanwhile over on facebook
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore