me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
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me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I will never stop laughing at this
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait