Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
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Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
True statement👍😏😁
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.