Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
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Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.